There are scenes from our childhood that we remember more than others, some with similar refrains for everyone: sentences spoken almost automatically by parents.

Some we did not fully understand, others sounded like a threat, still others were told to friends or cousins.
Inspired by an article by our colleagues at VICE Romania, we collected a few phrases from the If you do the whims I'll take you to boarding school and we had them analyzed by Annalisa Falcone, pedagogist and educator, and Lorenzo Naia, expert in communication psychology, trainer , and author of children's books, to understand what impact they can have on the little ones.
In general, explains Naia, these phrases are often said lightly, superficially, without taking note of the fact that they are small signals that are deposited in children.
Yet, says Falcone, What we must understand is that children internalize messages from our behaviors, from what we say, from the tone in which we say it. For each sentence, we therefore tried to analyze more deeply the meaning and to suggest more effective ways of communicating.
If you don't hurry I'll leave you here If you do that, mom / dad will go away
These are phrases that are often said in situations in which the child does not want to leave a place, for example when in the park, explains Falcone, and the parent uses them, instilling fear, to try to reach their goal faster.
The Problem: As both experts explain, giving up is the greatest anguish for a child, more than death. If the concept of death is something that the child will learn over time, the fear of abandonment is true that infants often cry just to make sure the care giver is present, explains Naia.
In child psychology, this concept is defined.
Therefore, it is essential for the child to perceive that the parent will be a support he can count on in the future.
In childhood, I, as a parent, should make it clear that I may not always agree with you, that I will get angry, but this will not preclude the fact that you can come and confide in you or stop loving and supporting you, continues Naia.
With the threat of abandonment, however, we are sending implicit messages that there is a possibility that I may not be there for you.
The solution: The goal is not to abandon it, but that the child activates, speeds up and comes with us, does not disperse.
So a way to reverse the sentences to the positive: not if you don't do this but if you do this, Naia continues.
According to Falcone, then, even phrases like ok, I give you ten minutes to finish with the swing and then let's go, they help to learn important concepts such as compromise.
"Look, if you scream, I'll take you to the psychologist / boarding school" If you don't behave well, see what I'm doing If you don't do your homework, I won't buy you that toy
These are phrases that are said to prevent reactions or make a child stop when he is not behaving well.
The point why, formulated in this way, they represent more a shortcut to the adult, and not a real teaching, explains Falcone.
The Problem: Psychology and pedagogy tell us that thinking in terms of punishment leads to a fallacious strategy, explains Naia.
In these cases, in fact, the child pays attention not to his behavior but to the punishment, so I will try to meet the adult's expectations, but without really understanding why, continues Falcone.
The same principle also applies to prizes: if I announce that if you get a very good mark, I will buy you a game, the focus will be more on the game than on the behavior, explains Naia.
What we have to do with children instead support positive behaviors and discourage negative ones, but keeping the focus on the behavior itself. Without, moreover, decontextualizing and connoting figures such as those of the psychologist in a negative way, when it should be the exact opposite, says Falcone.
The solution: When a child engages in a behavior that we think is noteworthy, it should be emphasized, so that he pauses to reflect on this positive acquisition, explains Naia.
Conversely, for negative behaviors it is appropriate to apply the same principle, but to encourage the child to improve. And what about the phrases to say?
Here too, it is good to rephrase the message upstream: Instead of saying you can't play the pc because you haven't finished your homework, anticipate with as soon as you have finished your homework, you will be able to play.

a difficult world, better if you learn it right away "Eat everything in the world there are children who are dying of hunger" When you grow up you can do whatever you want, now not
According to experts, phrases about morality are more an externalization of the difficulties experienced by the adult, but often translated to the child in a negative and / or punitive manner.
The problem: These statements tend to be very generic, far from the life of a child, and therefore difficult to understand.
Abstract thinking and morality, at the neuroscience level, develop very slowly, between the ages of five and 25, so a young child needs concrete examples, explains Falcone.
For example, think of the phrase eat everything that there are children who are dying of hunger in the world, continues Naia.
Despite the message we want to convey, appreciate the fact that having non-obvious food, if we formulate it in this way it seems that we are blaming the child for events that do not concern his will.
The solution: Initially the issue of morality should be approached in a metaphorical way, thanks above all to the help of the narrative, explains Naia.
Playing, reading or watching the stories of various characters in various situations, as if the child, developing a sense of empathy, could experience both positive and negative situations at a fantastic level, but with a safety net. In this regard, especially to learn what difficulties are, Falcone recommends books such as A Caccia dellorso.
Why are you not like your cousin, what is so obedient?
"You are like your father / mother I do, that you are not capable
For Falcone, the sentences on comparison are the result of a society based on strong and perennial productivity, so you must always live up to expectations, better than others.
The problem: What I repeat more and more often as an educator to children: not a competition, every special person has a special character and their own timing and what every parent should somehow internalize, continues Falcone.
It is not certain that a behavior that engages a child more spontaneously is just as simple for another.
If we demolish the child under construction with constant comparisons with better peers in something, we risk undermining the self-esteem and security necessary to face the future.
As for comparisons with parents in the negative, they should be avoided because they are a way to accuse the mother or the father, passing through the child who has nothing to do with any controversies.
The solution: What can be used instead is a comparison with you as a child of yesterday (I'm happy because yesterday in the park you played with all the children, and you shared the games), explains Naia.
In this case, as a parent, I am pointing out things that you have shown you can do, that are within your reach, and are part of you. As Falcone adds, the perception of self-efficacy must be increased in order to face more complex tasks.
So we start from the base, and then move on from time to time to the next steps.
Don't cry, you don't want them to say you're a sissy You're a young lady, you don't have to do this No this toy is not suitable for you, let's buy another one
There are interdisciplinary studies that embrace sociology, medicine, psychology that demonstrate how roles and expression of gender are arbitrarily defined by the society in which we are immersed.
There are examples of things that are considered masculine in one society but are the prerogative of the feminine in another, explains Naia.
Yet overcoming stereotypes is a problem for adults, because they are more introjected than we think and very hard to die.
The Problem: One of the biggest concerns for a parent is often social judgment.
For us, patterns are so reassuring, so seeing that our daughter behaves the way girls her age should behave, and that our son behaves the way children her age should behave, makes us feel like good parents and educators, because we feel the social judgment on us, continues Naia.
The Solution: A non-stereotyped upbringing means totally eliminating all those words like girl, boy, young lady, little man and striving to make the exact same possibilities available to children.
An example is the variety in animal toys, cooking, pirates, dolls, cars, where the girl or boy will choose, explains Naia.
The presence of variety often happens when you have other brothers and sisters, and allows what Naia calls a healthy operation: the child has different experiences, builds his own taste, puts himself in the shoes of the other.
For Falcone, in fact, children are the curious ones par excellence, they constantly change interests, they are real scientists, so preventing them from expressing themselves or using a specific tool does not allow them to self-determine.
Illustration via AdobeStock / KovtunArt.

From Vice