A year after the pandemic began, I am increasingly grateful to have different hours than my boyfriend's.

I wake up around 6 or 7 in the morning and try to go to bed around 11.
Instead, he goes to bed at 2 in the morning and returns to the world around 10.
Our days are structured in such a way as to be able to keep some precious free time for ourselves while the other person is sleeping.
Before COVID-19, taken from the intense social life, work and travel, we often needed to carve out some ad hoc time to be together properly.
But now, since we hardly see anyone else in person and work from home in a small Brooklyn apartment, the well-being of our relationship depends on making sure we have moments to spend separately.
We know we are lucky.
Loneliness has been a growing problem during this pandemic: a 2020 survey of over 1,000 people revealed that 65 percent are feeling increasingly lonely.
Another study states that young adults, between the ages of 22 and 29, have recently experienced an increase in this sensation; those already at risk find themselves in an even more serious situation.
In February, the Prime Minister of Japan added a ministry of loneliness to his council of ministers, to address the problem with particular attention, as it has been proven time and again that loneliness hurts both psychically and physically.
Yet, while many feel lonely, other people on the contrary or even at the same time may suffer from something called aloneliness, or lack of loneliness, a condition so defined in 2019 by Robert Coplan, a psychologist at Carleton University in Canada, and his colleagues.
This loneliness is not the mirror image of actual loneliness, as well as that feeling my partner and I try to avoid when we pretend that the other does not exist for a handful of hours a day.
If loneliness arises when there is a discrepancy between the number of pleasant hours you would like to spend with other people and the number you actually get, feeling non-alone means finding yourself with an asymmetry between the number of pleasant moments you would like to spend alone. and the ones you can really get.
Many of us feel this way, even without knowing that there is a specific word to describe the sensation.
In the summer of 2020, Kate Morgan wrote in Elemental about how being with your partner all day can create conflict situations.
If you spend all of your free time, and indeed all of your time together, you will likely begin to feel disconnected from yourself, Veronica Monet, a relationship coach, confirmed.
In April 2020, MIT Tech Review wrote about how the pandemic has brought a slew of virtual events and activities, leaving little time for people to relax a little on their own.
A New York law student felt completely drained after three long days of lectures on Zoom, virtual extracurricular meetings, and nighttime calls with friends and family. Cos, he began to stop taking calls from friends.
She just needed some alone time, wrote Abby Ohlheiser.
In fact, most of the work and research devoted to being alone has focused only on what happens if we are too alone.
Taking time to be alone comes with a lot of prejudice, Coplan says.
Historically, always associated with the idea of isolation, despair and depression.
But these are crucial issues, which must not be underestimated or considered unimportant.
The attention of Coplan and his colleagues was therefore focused precisely on the lack of loneliness and the downside, which allowed them to discover that spending too little time alone can also induce stress, depression and bad mood in this case.
This is an issue that is becoming increasingly important in view of the persistent social limbo in which we find ourselves.
I have to admit, actually a really interesting time for anyone studying social isolation and loneliness, Coplan remarks.
Many people have been catapulted into circumstances where they are left alone most of the time and this makes them feel lonely and melancholy.
Still, other people, and I think in particular young parents who now work from home and have to do remote teaching, suddenly don't have a second left for them, says Colpan.
Human beings need a sense of connection to others and meaningful social interactions.
Nonetheless, even time alone can have a beneficial effect and enable you to better manage the most complicated emotions, as much as allowing you to explore your own creativity.
Several studies have indicated that teens who spend about 25 to 30 percent of their waking hours alone have lower depression rating scores, better grades in school, and better behavioral ratings from professors.
Many religious figures, philosophers and psychologists have argued profusely that people occasionally, or often, need some time to spend alone to have the space and freedom to think about things that matter to them, to do something creative or spiritual, to re-connect to nature, or engage in whatever else they find difficult to do when surrounded by others, says Christopher Long, an associate professor of psychiatry at the University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences.
Many writers have repeatedly proclaimed the benefits of being alone, craving this condition when they did not have access to it.
As Virginia Woolf wrote, Because now she no longer had to think about anyone.
She could be herself and be alone.
And now she often felt the need to think about this; no, not even to think.
To remain silent; to be alone.
Scholars have described this apparent contradiction as the paradox of loneliness: time spent alone can have beneficial effects, but also negatively impact our health, if it increases too much.
Early in their careers studying the evolution of shyness and social anxiety in children, Coplan and his colleagues studied and observed children playing at recess, noting when children were alone.
Some of these children were really shy, while others just seemed to be fine alone; they preferred it.
They seemed quite content to play alone and didn't seem to show those signs of worry, anxiety, or discomfort usually shown by a shy child, Coplan says.
The team then carried out further studies involving college students of different ages and teenagers between the ages of 15 and 17, in a research published in January 2021.
Also in these groups they have found people who like to spend time alone and who, when they can't, experience this feeling of lack of loneliness.
To measure this, Coplan and his colleagues developed and used a dedicated scale, the Solitude and Aloneliness Scale, which asks people to confirm and agree with phrases like, It would be nice if I could spend more time alone each day.
Loneliness in simple terms the state of those alone, yet people can experience it in an extremely different way.
There are some key differences between feeling lonely and being alone, says Virginia Thomas, an associate professor of psychology at Middlebury College.
The most important is the state's involuntary nature, says Thomas.
Long agrees and says she has discovered in her research that the main difference between a positive and a negative solitary experience lies in the person's explicit choice.
People with a positive experience explicitly chose to be alone, and by doing so they were able to do what they really wanted.
On the other hand, those who have had a negative experience and felt isolated, bored or had other unpleasant feelings often would have liked to be with others or have not had the opportunity to engage in the desired activity, she says.
Motivation is another central factor, adds Thomas.
When people spend time alone for some constructive purpose such as to devote themselves to creativity or simply to think better, especially if opposed to those who decide to be alone because of social anxiety or because they believe they are rejected by others.
In solitude, you intentionally withdraw from the world and social interaction for specific purposes - perhaps to connect with yourself, to recharge after a particularly busy day or to work on your own project, she says.
The amount of time to spend alone that each person needs very specific for each individual and, in the same way, the moment in which each of us begins to feel the weight of this loneliness is very variable.
No one will ever be able to say, We recommend that you spend hours alone, Coplan says.
It doesn't work like that.
Each of us has a different threshold for satisfying our needs.
While it is an alleged trait of introverts to want to be alone, Thomas argues that this is not necessarily true of all introverts, and that there are also many extroverts for whom loneliness is precious.
Contingent factors matter, regardless of your personality, she says.
For example, we do all experience stress, and a clear beneficial effect of loneliness its rejuvenating effect. No matter who you are, it seems like loneliness can calm you down, especially if you are stressed out.
That said, people with a positive attitude towards loneliness, and who want to spend more time alone, are more likely to develop this sense of lack of loneliness.
It makes sense, because if you like to spend time alone you will want even more and therefore risk seeing your need unmet.
What you do when you are alone can also impact whether or not you feel in this condition of lack of loneliness.
In their recent study of teenagers, Coplan and her colleagues found that when solitary time devoted to hobbies, reading for personal pleasure, watching TV, video or video games, or being outdoors, tends to satisfy that need.
If, on the other hand, people spend the same amount of time doing homework, errands, or housework, then they continue to experience that feeling of lack of loneliness.
This means that the quality of your time alone derives from what is really intended for you and your needs, rather than paying taxes or cleaning the house.
Coplan then adds that the feeling of loneliness, in a similar way, is not just about being isolated.
One can feel alone even when surrounded by others because the quality of social interaction is the central issue.
We met teenagers who told us they feel lonely when they sit down to dinner with their family because they lack friends, Coplan says.
But it is also entirely possible to feel loneliness and lack of loneliness at the same time, which means that you are not at all satisfied with your condition and your social context, across the board.
You may be missing meaningful social interactions in a way that makes you feel lonely, yet you may still fail to satisfy your desire for quality solitude.
Coplan says they have begun to collect data during the pandemic and, while they still have no definitive results, they are speculating that they will detect an increase in both sensations: loneliness and lack of loneliness.
Coplan thinks that even just spreading awareness that lack of loneliness can affect you, just along with loneliness, can bring benefits.
something that people aren't very aware of, he says.
One of the things we've found is that people can feel stressed or irritable without knowing why.
The solution for the lack of loneliness, as might be expected, is to spend some time alone.
Coplan, however, acknowledges that it is not always that easy to do this, especially now.
He therefore encourages people to tell their partners or roommates that it might be good for them to have some alone time, as well as to discuss that such a request is not an indication that the relationship is going badly, that you are bored or bothered by someone else. particular.
Coplan argues that it is important not to take it personally when a loved one tells us they need time to spend alone but on the contrary that you are giving them a psychologically very rich gift, as psychologist Ester Buchholz called it, in The Call of Solitude.
When I listen to my patients talking about their loved ones, family or friends, I am struck by the expressions of gratitude when they are given free time to devote to their goals and pastimes, she wrote.
As if they were prisoners who were granted probation before deserving it, they perceive it as a compassionate gift.
Therefore, they have great difficulty even just suggesting the possibility of spending a day in solitude relaxing.
If my feelings are hurt a little when my partner closes the door for a few hours, I remember the happiness I feel when I sit in a quiet room all by myself, with a cup of tea, a book and socks, with the certainty that no one bursts into my room to disturb me.
something to think about at least, since many people wouldn't even think of noticing and trying to make it happen, Coplan says.
Nobody says you should go for a walk in the woods for two hours every day is good for some people, but we can't all do it.
So maybe we just need to grab those micro moments, recognize that we need that time and give ourselves permission to enjoy it.
In addition, Coplan also suggests keeping a journal to keep track of the time spent with others and alone, to understand if it corresponds to what we want or need.
Finding the right balance is the best way to avoid the negative repercussions of both loneliness and lack of loneliness.
In my interviews with both young adults and those who have reached middle age, those who have had the most positive experiences told me that they were able to relax and enjoy it thanks to the fact that they knew they could get out of loneliness at any time and find social contacts when they wanted, Thomas says.
They had the best of both worlds.

From Vice