Toxic relationships can be of any kind, but when friends talk about them today, they are mainly referring to a romantic relationship between two people.

A romantic relationship can be toxic from the start or become compromised over time, and it can happen on multiple levels.
It may happen that the people involved engage in behaviors that undermine the personal freedoms of the other.
But more often it happens that one of the two exercises power over the other by leveraging its insecurities.
In such a relationship, the consequences and harms are emotional, mental or even physical.
We know of examples, even on the screen, from highly criticized films such as 365 days where physical violence is exalted, to some scenes of Temptation Island in which psychological violence is passed off as something that simply happens in everyday life.
Dania Piras clinical psychologist, sexuality expert and popularizer.
We talked with her about dysfunctional behaviors and relationships, their manifestations and how to get out of them.
You have shortened the interview for reasons of clarity and space.
VICE: We often talk about toxic relationships: can we draw more precise boundaries of the phenomenon, also to avoid generalizations? Dania Piras: Yes, first of all we have to ask ourselves: are we talking about a specific behavior or a relationship as a whole?
Furthermore, not all behaviors are toxic in the same way: some are always toxic [and we will see it later], others can only be toxic for some because different people can be hurt by different people and in different ways.
If in the relationship for toxic behaviors they are a characteristic and preponderant trait, protracted over time, we can think of a toxic relationship.
Having said that, as a psychologist I prefer to speak of a dysfunctional relationship, a terminology that can be superimposed on toxic.
What are these behaviors?
Could you list some of them for me?
Here they are: - Gaslighting: arguing that the other person is crazy or mentally unstable to defend their opinion or position.
Also take advantage of his possible precarious mental health to assert his own power in the relationship; - Retroactive jealousy: being jealous of / and / of the previous sentimental and / or sexual partners, so much so as not to want to hear about them and to prevent any communication with them; - Sabotage: If you go out with friends it means you don't care about me. It is used to try to get the other person to do or not do a certain thing, using emotional manipulation.
By accepting the request, the other person is then forced to remain consistent; - Lack of boundaries: We have to do everything together. So the existence of privacy, the impossibility of deciding to keep something for oneself, which is often connected to the obsessive control of what the other person does on social media or with his phone; - Stonewalling: refusing to communicate using silence and not responding to dialogue proposals ; - Ghosting: disappearing suddenly, without warning, often with the intention of punishing a behavior that is not liked; - Possessiveness: you are mine / mine. Due to cultural heritage it seems like a nice thing to say, but it very often leads to extreme behaviors; - Devaluation: to say that one is incapable, that he does not understand, that a failed person.
Is it possible to mistake periods of crisis for signs of a toxic relationship?
Conflict is not necessarily something dysfunctional if the parties are open to discussing it, on the contrary: the absence of conflict very often indicates something that is being repressed somewhere.
We could therefore speak of two types of crisis: an opportunity, and a systematic event in relationships of all kinds.
Physiologically it has to happen for some reason, because we are human and it is normal not to always be perfectly aligned.
Another type of crisis, however, is that in which you become aware of all the possible and previous toxicity that was latent or that you found it hard to admit.
Here, in this case, why do we often fail to notice the signals or find it difficult to admit that our relationship is toxic?
It depends on many factors: emotional maturity (perhaps a teenager does not understand that he is undergoing or doing certain acts); from how you have been educated to affectivity; from personal history; the degree of dependence on the other person, even if it is not always said to be affective: it can be role-playing (we don't know which other to assume), economic, or social (I can't imagine myself in public without this figure next to mine).
Some important signals can come, then, from the feedbacks of our relational environment from friends and relatives who alert us.
The problem is that many times the degree of pervasiveness of the toxicity can cloud our minds.
This can also trigger the phenomenon of scorched earth, whereby those who disapprove of our choices are removed from the other person or from us especially if we unconsciously suspect that we are in a potentially unhealthy situation.
Being in an incredibly tiring relationship based on overwhelm.
Those who suffer from the imbalance usually feel they must always be in tune with the other person, both to respond to their needs and to avoid disappointment and angry consequences.
What should I do, if I am the person experiencing the toxic behavior or the toxic relationship?
Often many couples turn to specialists when things are now very compromised, as long as it is the will of both of them to change things.
It happens, in fact, that it is initially precisely those who suffer the behaviors who ask for help so that the other person changes attitude.
When on the other hand there is no listening, or you do not even have the opportunity to talk about it, it is better to give it a cut, even if not a decision that often matures immediately, and for a variety of reasons.
Such as having to overcome the irrational fear of being alone, the feelings of guilt engendered by manipulation (you will not find anyone like me), the thousand doubts due to a now damaged self-esteem and the intermittent desire to still want to be the architect of saving the relationship.
What if I think I have toxic behaviors in the relationship myself?
The ideal would be to focus more on the other person's feelings, listen, discuss, ask for feedback, act accordingly.
Find out if you are wrong, and in what way.
But it's not that simple: some internalized beliefs are difficult to deconstruct.
If you believe that jealousy is synonymous with love, not that overnight you suddenly stop thinking it.
a job you have to do on yourself.
Sometimes, however, behaviors are implemented that do not even fall within our scale of values, and it is difficult to admit it.
People are unable to recognize aspects that do not correspond to their idea of themselves.
So, in practice, it would be appropriate to ask Are there any attitudes of mine that make you sick? and undertake personal work with a specialist to process this awareness, which will open up other unresolved issues.
Let's take the very serious cases in which physical abuse occurs: does it fall within the concept of toxic relationships?
A relationship with toxic violence, ergo a toxic relationship can include physical abuse.
These are cases in which one's own safety is even more at stake, and it is good to turn to an anti-violence center, where you will have 360-degree support not only on a psychological level, but in terms of safety.
We can say for that all toxic relationships involve psychological violence that is based on devaluation and gaslighting and / or symbolic.
Symbolic violence is institutionalized.
I'll give you an example: a patient of mine for economic reasons continued to live with her ex, who only after the breakup began to take care of the housework.
When asked Why couldn't you do it before her ?, He replied: Because now we are roommates, before we were together and you were the woman of the situation.
How do you recover from a toxic relationship?
It takes time to process the loss of the relationship we thought we had or even idealized, but also to accept that we were complicit in a harmful relationship and that we didn't have the strength to get out of it quickly.
You will need to be distracted, with the support of your social network, without pressure or inappropriate comments as you will find the right person, do not worry, or I want to introduce you to a person because when the time comes you will decide.
Furthermore, it is advisable to eliminate contacts with lex, or at least limit them because often, especially if there are children, it is not possible.
With a patient who arrives with such a load, we often work on self-esteem, on self-reconstruction, to understand that having lived certain situations does not make us weak or wrong people.
Illustration by Antonio Rodriguez / Adobe Stock.

From Vice