I left my boyfriend when he was depressed, and the hardest thing I've ever done.

The words died in my throat, and both wept, embraced, in the bed of a bad AirBnb.
He asked me if I really wanted and I, with the hangover that broke my head, I said s.
We went to breakfast at our favorite place, we drank the juice in silence.
Then he begged me to stay together while we cried on a bench.
We kissed and hugged, and then I got in the car and I drove up to my parents' house, three hours away.
Admitting to have left it when it was at a time so low it makes me feel guilty.
Selfish.
They say that when you really love a person, you're next, even when ill and when it passes through the darkest hours.
I tried, but it did not work.
The truth is that his 'infecting' problems even my head, and clearly I was not strong enough to handle the situation.
I went out with a syndrome of panic attacks and on the brink of depression myself.
When last year the rapper Mac Miller died of a probable overdose at 26 years, social media many have done in haste to point the finger at his ex, Ariana Grande.
Already a few months ago when Mac Miller was arrested for driving while intoxicated after an accident and internet had accused Ariana, the pop star replied that "absurd to minimize the self-respect of a woman, and his sense value, saying it should remain in a toxic relationship. "
And he's right.
Whether the problem is drugs or mental health, to be with a person who faces a difficult time been one of the most extreme experiences of my life.
Max was my first real boyfriend.
We met in Rio de Janeiro when both were doing the tour of Latin America.
The first kiss there we exchanged at Copacabana.
We made sure to meet again a few months later in La Paz, Bolivia.
I did the intern for a magazine and he was traveling backpacker, but we ended up buying a single mattress and Toy Story bedding and sleep on the floor of an abandoned house.
In the house there was a tiny room for half-painted children and creaking floorboards like in a horror film.
It was huge, dark and empty, and we spent more than a month.
Then we returned to our lives in England and we decided that a long distance relationship was unworkable, so we went in together.
I loved him.
Together in Bolivia.
Photo courtesy of Shanti Das.
I was 19, he 22.
All my friends were going to college while we were living in a dump that barely could afford, but they were the best years of my life.
We ate chicken nugget on a cardboard table and sleeping on a futon.
Then we moved to my work.
Things started to get complicated.
I had begun to be a journalist and worked forever.
I was often tired and stressed.
Max hated his job but saw no way out, because he was not sure what he wanted to do in life.
I already knew of his depression.
As a teenager he had done in and out of hospitals for a heart disease that had caused a long period of depressed mood.
It was always there, but until then had been manageable.
In those months we were locked in a vicious circle of exhaustion and fatigue.
The happiness of one depended on that of the other, but were all out of sync.
A comment or a change of mood would go out of control.
Max eventually apologized in an attempt to convince me that it was his fault.
I told him that was not his fault.
He did not believe me.
I felt guilty.
I went for a walk, going around by car around the neighborhood, I was smoking cigarettes at the park, I stopped for more office not owe him speak.
I had panic attacks.
He stayed home from work.
I was working 12 hours a day, and when I was at home he demanded all my attention.
At times I felt suffocated.
We had no room to breathe or feel emotions without giving us on each other's nerves and put in motion a series of events that could drag on for days.
I have begged him to go to a doctor, but the doctor the only thing I got was a multiple choice questionnaire on what was likely to kill.
Although he had told doctors he had suicidal thoughts, it was not considered quite risky.
They gave him antidepressants and have enrolled in a therapeutic group in which the slides were shown which recommended to do more exercise.
Max was already in the gym five days a week, and bike to work.
Since there was no availability of therapists of the national health service, they have upped the dose.
It did not work.
I was already emotionally detached from him before we let.
I suggested that they both went back to their homes to save, but I knew that I needed to be reset.
We met again a few weeks later and after a few months we decided to leave for a weekend together.
I had not planned to leave him, but the words came out of the sun during an alcohol quarrel.
The next day he asked me if I really thought, and I realized that the answer was s.
In the weeks after Max she has hit bottom.
I had always said I was the best thing that had ever happened and that he hated his life before he met me, but at the same time he was convinced that I would be better off without him.
For the first time I gave him reason and I knew that he would be better off without me.
We were in a self-destructive loop, and things would not improve if we had not broken.
I know I'm not the only one in this position: when the person you are has mental health problems, difficult to know where to start.
"Perhaps the most important thing to do to encourage your partner to seek help," explained Stephen Buckley Association for Mental Health Mind.
"You can reassure him by telling him that there are forms of aid, and that you are the to support it."
Also important to take care of your health and well-being.
"Be honest about what you can and what you can not do it alone," he added.
"Also important to your mental health, and take care of someone else can vitiate it."
When we broke up, I suffered and I thought I could get hurt.
I wanted to be for the help, but I knew I would not make things worse.
I wrote to his mother to see how he was.
I was terrified, inside of me, that the break might cause him to kill himself and forever change my life.
It was the most low moment of both of our lives, but even the most educational.
After 18 weeks of waiting list, Max began to see a private psychologist, who along with his family believes was crucial.
The therapy has given him the tools to deal with negative thoughts, to understand that my unhappiness was not his fault, and that he is worth.
The also made it clear that in life wants to help other people in similar situations, then he began studying psychology.
He finished the first year and well.
Ecolpo of scenasiamo back together.
happened at the end of 2017, there we took it easy, and we talked at length.
Max was better, and I also.
Not that things are perfect, but we are more stronger and happier than we've ever been.
We need to stop giving the responsibility of a person's life to the partner.
All she does is perpetuate the myth that women and men must remain in harmful relationships.
They should not do that, and you can not argue otherwise.
In my case, the break with Max ran the risk of ending in tragedy.
If that had happened, I would have felt responsible for life, but I know I would not have deemed my fault.
Note: Max gave his consent to the publication of the article and photos.

From Vice